The Byzantine Chronicles’ first original (i.e. fake) text comes to us
from the pen of Isaac Comnenus, brother of Emperor Alexios I. Though the work
is incomplete, obviously was to be part of a larger history. This section
covered Constantine to Justinian.
The subject of the piece is the History
of the Roman Empire, post the painful amputation of the Western chunk. Let’s
see what Isaac has to say...
... We have had so many near misses and
close run things that it is hard not to believe we will last until Jesus comes
back here and asks what the fuck we have been doing to each other in his name
for the past thousand years. We have survived everything history has in her
limitless and imaginative artillery. Earthquakes? No worries. Seven-year
sieges? I didn't want to leave town anyway: just found a new tavern that has
excellent crab. Plague? Water off a duck's back. No wonder people think we are
blessed and protected by the Virgin herself. When Mother Mary has your back,
you know deity wise you are surfing with the very best.
On the other hand, you do have to
wonder. Survival is one thing. But maybe the gods are actually not on our side
at all. Throwing everything at us like that - as though we were a heretic being
led around a forum - well, it could be that they are actually really determined to wipe us out and we just refuse to get
the message. A stubborn stain that just won't get washed out. Like a constant reminder
of a bad night out they had when they thought creationism and fortified wine
would be a good idea.
But one day they could just throw out the
shirt. Then we are screwed; the Virgin can cry foul all she wants. So I suppose
some sort of outline of the glorious rise, rise, rise, fall, rise, fall, rise,
collapse into a pathetic mess, rise and inevitable fall of the Roman Empire
could be useful. Then you, dear reader, will have some inkling of what I am
talking about when I refer to the city, the Romans, and all the nasty shit in
between.
Let’s take it as read that you know about
Constantine and his clever idea to move the capital of the entire world from a
malarial swamp to one of the best mackerel feeding grounds known to fishermen.
Constantinople was a stone cold genius as an idea. She was a natural beauty,
all curves and very receptive. Not content that he now had a stunner on his
arm, Constantine proceeded to dress her in all the finery of the empire. This
had the bonus of giving him the excuse to pillage every pagan temple he could
park a sledge next to.
So the story of Rome became the story of
Constantinople. Rome got hit so hard by the Germans that it was propelled
backwards by a good 800 years. It was as though you didn’t qualify as a
barbarian overlord unless you sacked Rome at least once. It was sort of a grand
scale hazing. Then the Latin heretics really got their teeth into it, so now we
are stuck with the Bishop of Rome parping excommunications our way every couple
of decades.
If you listen to the Romans, they will tell
you that when Rome fell, that was it for the empire. It was toasted. Now, this
defies logic. What I see is a continual, unbroken line from Augustus to my
little brother Alexios. Same power, same tight little deal with a deity of your
choice, same pomp, same ceremony. Different location, sure. But when did we
stop being the Roman Empire? I have asked plenty of Latins that question and
they have no answer. But then, they are ignorant bags of shit and probably
think that questions of legitimacy just get in the way of smelling like nervous
elephants and chopping unbelievers into mince.
So while the west tottered, got on its knees,
and finally got clobbered for the last time, we carried on. The 600 years or so
haven’t all been glorious. But we had our moments. Justinian, for example, did
all right. His building projects were audacious and you have to admire the moxy
of the fellow. His subjects hated him because of his aggressive tax collection
policies, and I cannot even begin to understand why he would bother trying to
take back the west. But his law codes were a triumph. He is the patron saint to
all us pen-pushers, bogged down looking for precedent and obscure laws.
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